guilt feelings

I guess whoever has read this post now expects the next post to have me talking about how I screamed incoherently at my stepson or something like that. I kind of feel awkward even calling him my stepson = technically is he?
Anyways, he was here yesterday with me and my kids, and all I could think about was the last blog and how very very guilty I feel for posting that. I look at him sometimes and I do feel so overwhelmed with sadness about who he is, and wondering what his future holds. My kids -
as much as I worry about them - have a brighter future , I think. And it is so not his fault, and sometimes he just looks so sad, and sometimes I realize that all those things I feel may be a total
projection on my part, and reflect my own confusion and frustration, and reflect how I really feel
inadequate to cope with this poor child, and how afraid I am to try to be better with him. When I am feeling better about my own life I know I am better with him too.

Maybe this sounds confusing. I am just talking about my FEELINGS, and they really do go up and down a lot.

Are we allowed to swear on here?

Ok. Who the f**** am I kidding? I was trying to be a nice person in the previous blogs, mostly because a friend of mine started a blog at the same time and she wants to read mine but I havent told her where it is yet, because I knew mine wouldnt be as "nice" as hers.

I try to kid myself and others that I am nice and caring, but I know that the truth is alot of times I am not, I am very self - centred and not the "giving"mom we are supposed to be.

I'll give you an example. My boyfriend's son. Poor kid. Autistic and all. Who knows what his future holds. I CAN'T STAND THAT KID. I get so angry at him sometimes I have to hide in another room because I want to shake him. He is a self absorbed annoying little control freak.
Everything has to be his way. He's not as stupid as he sometimes lets on , either. He knows how to control his dad, wrap his dad around his little finger, and he would just LOVE to break him and me up. ANd he tried. Boy, does he try. And everything - everything - has to be his way.

I think that this kid would love to have his mom and dad get back together. But it is not going to happen and they broke up long before I was in the picture. Mom is a very high powered executive lady and she had an affair at work, and she has since married the man she was seeing.
I know this kid pulls the same stuff on him but I don't know how he handles it.

And then I feel so guilty. I 'm a grownup. People say I am NICE. They do say that about me.
How can I hate a handicapped child?

But I do.