guilt feelings

I guess whoever has read this post now expects the next post to have me talking about how I screamed incoherently at my stepson or something like that. I kind of feel awkward even calling him my stepson = technically is he?
Anyways, he was here yesterday with me and my kids, and all I could think about was the last blog and how very very guilty I feel for posting that. I look at him sometimes and I do feel so overwhelmed with sadness about who he is, and wondering what his future holds. My kids -
as much as I worry about them - have a brighter future , I think. And it is so not his fault, and sometimes he just looks so sad, and sometimes I realize that all those things I feel may be a total
projection on my part, and reflect my own confusion and frustration, and reflect how I really feel
inadequate to cope with this poor child, and how afraid I am to try to be better with him. When I am feeling better about my own life I know I am better with him too.

Maybe this sounds confusing. I am just talking about my FEELINGS, and they really do go up and down a lot.

Are we allowed to swear on here?

Ok. Who the f**** am I kidding? I was trying to be a nice person in the previous blogs, mostly because a friend of mine started a blog at the same time and she wants to read mine but I havent told her where it is yet, because I knew mine wouldnt be as "nice" as hers.

I try to kid myself and others that I am nice and caring, but I know that the truth is alot of times I am not, I am very self - centred and not the "giving"mom we are supposed to be.

I'll give you an example. My boyfriend's son. Poor kid. Autistic and all. Who knows what his future holds. I CAN'T STAND THAT KID. I get so angry at him sometimes I have to hide in another room because I want to shake him. He is a self absorbed annoying little control freak.
Everything has to be his way. He's not as stupid as he sometimes lets on , either. He knows how to control his dad, wrap his dad around his little finger, and he would just LOVE to break him and me up. ANd he tried. Boy, does he try. And everything - everything - has to be his way.

I think that this kid would love to have his mom and dad get back together. But it is not going to happen and they broke up long before I was in the picture. Mom is a very high powered executive lady and she had an affair at work, and she has since married the man she was seeing.
I know this kid pulls the same stuff on him but I don't know how he handles it.

And then I feel so guilty. I 'm a grownup. People say I am NICE. They do say that about me.
How can I hate a handicapped child?

But I do.

Happy Halloween

Today I spent all morning in the haunted house at my kids' school, screaming and scaring the kids with my scary costume. Got to see my two kids do come in, they just love to see their mom doing this kind of stuff , makes them feel important, and that makes me happy.

tonight we go out trick or treating. I am so excited and so are they. Costumes are all ready,
they are ready to collect massive amounts of candy. should be fun.

my boyfriend and his son

I am actually mom to my own two kids and a wicked stepmother- at least that's how he perceives me I think - to my boyfriend' s son. It has been a terrible adjustment to this little boy to have me be with his dad and not have his dad with his mommy. And, please be aware that I was not at fault here, honest, they broke up way before I was in the picture, and she has since remarried. I guess I should mention that this little boy suffers from autism. Anyone with any experience with a special needs child might understand a bit about what that can be like. Frustrating, to say the least.
I do try, but my patience is not always what it should be. He is a trying little boy, screams when he doesnt get his way.

new ideas about this blog

As you may or may not be able to tell - lol - I am a real novice at this stuff. I am also a very private person , not used to sharing information with a bunch of people that I don't actually know. That is why I have been pretty tentative and hesitant about what I am saying . But I notice that as I progress, I am beginning to open up a little bit more. feeling a little less like censoring myself, you could say. Feeling like it 's actually ok, this blogging thing. I am actually starting to enjoy it. I am not at the stage yet where I could post pics of myself and my family out there for everybody. Not because my kids are not the most gorgeous , of course, (because they are!) but still the whole thing about wanting to be annonymous. Well there is some reason behind that, of course. Some of the things I might reveal - well they might be better left private. I have some pretty racy things in my past that I might wanna share, but I don't want my neighbors to know!!! I hope that doesn't make me a bad person.
So you know that I have two kids. For many years, to reveal a bit more, I was a single mom.
To any single moms out there- well I don't have to describe the special stress that entails.
And please don't make judgements about me and about the kind of person I am, because you might be very, very wrong.
I don't know if I qualify as a single mom anymore. For the past year, I have been living with a man who I have known for a number of years. S o, sounds like a happy fairy tale ending right?Wish I could say that, and for awhile I thought it was. But I know now that we are having our problems. Whether they can be resolved or not, I dunno. I sure hope so. My kids are very used to having him around.

So how come I am not the mommy of my fantasies?

I mean, we all had them, right? The fantasies of what we would be like when we were finally mommies? i know when I used to see parents yell at their kids when I was younger, I was so
smug in the certainty - the absolute certainty - that I would never do that. I would always be in control, I would be calm, I would be patient, etc.
Don't get me wrong. The kids are pretty well behaved compared to alot of th e kids I see around them . They really are. But I still get pretty frustrated with them. Just put them in bed,
after listening to them yell and yell and fight with each other, and I got annoyed and I yelled and then I felt guilty and here we go, downward spiral, round and round. All the other mothers seem so calm, and I feel.. so frantic and uncalm.

I am going to introduce myself

This is my very first blog ever. I have never done this before. I am not, as they say, technologically minded. My knowledge of computers - well, let's just say I 'm a dinosaur in the Stone Age. My eight year old son has surpassed me , more than can be imagined. But hey, I'm on the internet!! And I am blogging!!!!! We'll see where this takes me. I envision great things.

Amazing things.



so. I am Julie. I am a mother. And that has taken over my identity , to a great extent.

I don't think I realized how much it would. Does anybody? Does anybody really, really know

how much becoming a mother changes them? Or maybe it is just me.



I have two kids. I have an eight year old boy and a five year old daughter. Both such special kids. And they fill so much of my time and my energy and my thoughts.



Also have so many worries. So many worries that consume me. For example- how am I going to pay the bills? How am I going to provide for them. Sometimes the worries get really overwhelming.